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Now that I've changed my password so that Lucinda will no longer have access to my journal, ever...now that I've unplugged my phone so this post will not lead to a bevy of unwanted, half-hearted phone calls...now that I've rifled through the mail and packed all my bills into a padded envelope to send out to my parents on Monday...now that I've tried on three different pairs of my favorite jeans to find that I no longer fit any of them...now that I've cried...now that I've shot up and cried some more because I told my parents and everyone that I wouldn't do it anymore...now that I've bounced back to bitterness and realized that I just spent over a month being brainwashed and manipulated by the very people I escaped in the first place...now that I've thrown up...now that I've let it sink in that I'm very pissed off to have missed most of this season of 'Project Runway' so it isn't even worth catching up on...now that I've scoffed at the fact that Johnny Weir lost the gold medal...now that I've gotten started on severely tearing to shreds the sketch projects everyone turned in on Monday...now that I weighed myself to find that I gained thirty pounds while I was in Miami...now that I've cried some more...now that I've drunk a fifth of scotch...now that I'm listening to New Order and just drifting...now that I'm missing Clar and her pretty smile and gorgeous face...now that I'm missing Mihawk and his hateful sort of kisses...now that I'm missing Sandy's stomach-turning perkiness...now that I'm missing Ener, and Ener, and Ener...now that I realize how much I hate marijuana and everything about it...now that I realize heroin is my only friend...now that I want my hips back...now that I despise Bartholomew for spending all his time with me in Miami and using all that time to try and convert me...now that I've thrown away the Bible he gave me...now that I don't care all of this is being posted publicly...I'm back.

I'm back.
hi there, this is luci, don's sister. maybe uv heard of me, but i guess he prolly didn't have good things 2 say. neway, he asked me 2 sign on here and tell u something.

i know he's been gone for a long time, a couple of weeks, and he hasn't been returning ne phone calls. we had 2 turn his cell off. he's in miami w/ us right now...well actually hes not w/us, he's at a rehab clinic. he wuz concerned 4 starting 2 miss so many classes n so he came here, and we had one of those family intervention things. turns out he was like taking so much heroin it could kill him so we checked him n2 the clinic down here...he also wasn't eating, which worried me ... :-(

he's going 2 b ok, but he was concerned 4 u and his friends. he didn't want them all 2 kno, but he said he wanted me 2 log n2 this thing and update to let u kno what's going on. ur ener, right? yeah, i guess ur his boss and he really talks a lot about u, saying he wants to see u and he duznt want 2 let u down. so plz don't b mad at my brother, hes rly trying his hardest and we'll try 2 give him all the help we can.

he'll prolly be checking out next month, until then he wont be @ work and he wanted to know if hes fired???? he really luvs that job. i dunno what u'll do about his classes or how 2 explain it, but when i asked that he said u were good w/ that sort of thing. ;-)

ok g2g they wont let him have his compy @ the clinic but he said he'll try to write u a letter. i thought that was really nice.

p.s. he said 4 u to plz tell someone named bellamy to f off? i thought that wuz rly mean but he wanted me 2 make sur to say it. ok i have to go check on my kiddo, my big bro luvs ya.

p.p.s. omg this icon iz so sad looking. :-( :-( :-(
Won't be on tonight, something came up at the LAST MINUTE. Sorry...will try for tomorrow. >:-(
Writing this since everyone is finally in bed.

Fucking parents.

You'd think that when I say I'm a professor at a University and a fashion consultant on top of that, they wouldn't STILL be saying "maybe someday that will lead to something." Hey, guess what, it DID lead to something, it led me away from here. Don't get me wrong, I love Miami. It's very vivid, very lively. But I hate coming here for this shit year after year. Seriously, I think I'm only making it back home in hopes that someday Lucinda will get all jealous. But it never happens. Even though I'm doing everything she wanted to do when she was growing up, she now suddenly seems all happy (not to mention high and mighty) to be married with a baby. Way to flush your dreams down the toilet, sis. Gaaaahhh.

Oh, and Bartholomew came by this afternoon. That was...awkward. Turns out he's actually halfway through seminary. I hadn't seen him for three years, but of course we've talked on the phone and stuff. He never mentions this sort of thing, but I guess I never mention certain facts about my life, too. Really, our conversations never go anywhere, never have since high school, when he started being quiet all the time. I just don't know what to think. I want to be friends still, but I get this uncontrollable feeling every time I'm around him that I'm being silently judged. Don't want to feel that way, of course, but I do. Yeeeesh.

And don't even get me started on the whole "when are you going to settle down?" thing from everyone I've seen this weekend. If I could possibly explain the scope of the mixed signals here, I'd describe, but it's just not worth it.

On a plane back to Cali tomorrow, and let me tell you, I can't WAIT.
Mihawk, are you going to be home tonight? I need to stop by and discuss something with you...
I am not a DJ. I hear that whenever DJ's actually become DJ's, they don't dance anymore, even if they get the chance. And I enjoy dancing too much. Anyway, I need to put a mix together for the March show we're doing for the seniors at the Civic Center...all I can say is, they'd better not question my taste in music. And I don't quite know how my master plan will go over yet...I hope Sandy doesn't throw one of his queenly fits when he learns that being my TA will mean he doesn't get to walk the runway. It was...sort of a plan. The boy is just NOT a model. But hopefully I won't have to tell him this until AFTER I can quell him with some sex. Not looking for anything long-standing here, so I'm very much expecting him to hate me by the end of the semester (not that I care, as long as he doesn't cock up my class all that bad), but that red-haired ass is MINE.

There's just something about the bubbly, overzealous ones...

Anyway, back to the music selection. Also have to design the runway presentation, even though technically that should be a collaborative project for the class. HA! Like I'd let them touch it. I might ask Clar for some tips. I hope she got the e-mail I sent her about the Mizrahi guy. I can't believe he loved her photos from last year - I swear if he says she's "too skinny" now I'll go down there and pesonally punch him in the throat. Oh, well, I guess she'll make a post about it if she got the e-mail...Clar would totally blare her horn in Sandy's ear if she got another go-see. Ha, I'm giggling now, I'm so bad.

For last thoughts, even though I don't like to think about this stuff when I don't need to, I don't know what to do about Mihawk. He's been such an utter bitch to me since...well...since ever. While on the other hand, I just can't get myself involved with Ener on any deeper level. If there's one person I don't want to be (emotionally, yaknow) hurt by, it's him. But the sex is great with both, I don't see why I should divide my attentions. I guess that might be why I'm chasing after Sandy. The prospect of someone actually being obsessed with me instead. Hmmm. Gotta work hard on this.

Maybe I should eat something this morning. Ugh.

Anyway...ciao. Maybe I'll put up a .zip file of the songs after I've picked them all out.
After a pretty good night last night (yeah, busy night...and I'm pretty sore from it *ahem*), not only is Bellamy this close to getting stomped because he didn't collect from these two deadbeats I gave the hook-up (I'll think about him later), but all I can think about is someone else. Seriously, some days I want to just cut off contact with the entire world altogether. I don't like being made to worry, even though I know everything will turn out fine. I'm trying to grade these projects (everyone expected their grades today - hahahahaha NO. Tomorrow, though, I HAVE to get them out, so I'm pulling an all-nighter here...so much mescaline, seriously. GAH, I'm amazed I can type) and I keep wanting to push it all aside and get out of this office.

Shit shit shit shit shit.
As if yesterday wasn't bad enough, he stands me up at the coffee shop. I flirted a little with this cute little girl who was there, but I just couldn't stop thinking about him, and I got mad. I gave him almost an hour, but then I had to go home. I didn't visit a few people I meant to visit last night, but Bellamy should be taking care of that for me.

AARRRGGGHHHH HE FRUSTRATES ME SO MUCH. Mihawk, not Bellamy. I really, seriously, for my whole life have not let myself be tied down by one person, but for some reason when he says jump I ask "how high?" WTF is wrong with me. I need to break free, I know, but something about this whole unhealthy thing makes me unable to walk away.

On top of it, Clar was giving me the cold shoulder today for some reason. She's one of the few females I can stand, so what's with that?

Today SUCKS.

I'm supposed to meet with him tonight, and if he doesn't show up this time I SWEAR I'm going to never speak to him again. This time I mean it.
I am NOT naming names, but this student's grad project (a full-fledged "fashion show" even though it's just at the University Auditorium...) is a disaster. I'm just sitting back here making phone calls and texting on my Blackberry until this is all over with. I gave up trying to help him/her (again, not naming names) about three hours ago. God, I need to go home and wind down. Luckily should be meeting up with Quilly tonight (he hates when I call him that; I do it anyway) instead of obnoxious people who play their music too loud. Let me tell you - being a person with an affinity for "mind-altering substances" does NOT mean you have to be extremely annoying. A Tazo Chai sounds really good, anyway, and I hear this place I'll be meeting him at makes a great one. <3~~~~

GUH, that one dress looks like a potato sack, and not in a cool, ironic way. Ohhhh I'd just be laughing if he/she weren't so pathetically begging for my help and also graduating this year. OH TRUST ME. I'll give them a passing grade. JUST TO GET THEM OUT OF MY SIGHT.

Need a hit. Stupid "teacher's responsibility".

I love being able to update this thing on my Blackberry. Wheeeee.

*smooches to all, except some*

These pretentious freshmen think they're going to pass my final exam by showing up in sweats and actually knowing the material. Perhaps I bandy that word about too carelessly. If they knew the material, to be literal about things, they'd know not to wear flannel pants with trouser socks, and never to wear stretch cotton...well...ever. Know-nothing punks. The only way you'll pass this term is not if you know every intricacy of 17th to 21st Century Fashion Design, from the House of Givenchy to the advent of Project Runway. Why can't they understand that, no matter what you know, it all comes down to looking good while you're proving it. Excuse me, Miss Thing, I don't care if you can stitch a Victorian Riding Habit in ten minutes, you're not getting an 'A' unless you learn that those white vinyl cigarette pants were not meant to go with that gypsy top. And if any of these upstarts wants to argue things, they can meet me in my office after a three-martini lunch. I'll throw back-issues of Vogue at their heads if it comes down to it. And not the wimpy February issues, either, I'm talking the 700-some page Fall Issue. I don't get how they can call me a diva when all I've done is throw a couple...dozen...tantrums in front of my class. How can they call me a diva when I look this good? And who could possibly call me lonely? That's what they blamed everything on the other day. I was listening to them. Lonely. Me. Just because my standards are ridiculously high. I'm not lonely, just selective. Maybe someday, I'll find the perfect accessory, be it male or female. I'm not really that picky. Or maybe I'll find a really great Gucci peacoat. Either way, I could laugh in all their faces then.

And what's with all this talk over how wearing sunglasses indoors is tacky? Audrey Hepburn did it. Fuck them.